When I was a little girl I did a lot of playing house, as many little girls do. During kindergarten (Side note: I’m embarrassed to say I JUST learned, via spell check, that I’ve been spelling that wrong … forever. I thought it was GARDEN not garten. WTF?) a lot of playtime was spent with the little kitchen play set in the classroom. Sometimes we were even able to conscript boys to play house with us, making them our husbands. And of course there were dolls involved in playing house, because being mommy was a lot more fun than just making pretend dinners.
Even playing with Barbies turned into playing house. Barbie did have a little sister & of course there were the Barbies that came with babies. Then when I had a better idea about pregnancy, that’s when pillows were shoved up my shirts & I “delivered” babies. Somewhere in all of that play, I figured that when I got older I would have a family. Clearly all of us playing house had these expectations.
As I got older, my expectations changed. I decided that I wanted to adopt children instead of having my own. There are so many children who are given up at birth or orphaned somehow. And not just in third world countries, but here in the
Then my expectations changed yet again. When I was a sophomore in high school I decided that I want to pursue a career in human rights. The more cases I worked on, the more I read about human rights defenders who were put in danger &, in some cases, their families being put in danger. I decided that it was one thing to put my husband through that, someone who could make the choice to be with me knowing that’s what I want to do, but it’s another to bring children into that when they have no say.
And the longer I sat with those thoughts, the more of an aversion I had to motherhood. As much as I love kids, I would get nervous whenever a cousin had a baby & I was asked if I wanted to hold them. Somewhere in my mind, my decision not to have children made me think that me + babies was a bad idea. I wound up getting over that, especially when my mom started dating her boyfriend. He has a granddaughter who was a newborn back then (& a grandson now).
When the above mentioned grandson was born, I got to hold him just a few weeks after he was born. He was so tiny, so sweet, & had that wonderful baby smell. After they left that day, the baby smell lingered & I found myself wishing that he was still there. I started having a biological response to holding a baby, one that left me with a certain longing I had never felt before. I was conflicted because this feeling was so different than the decision I had made not to have kids. I knew that my body was saying I want to eventually have kids, but my mind was still in the same place it had been before holding him.
Now … well, now I’m admitting that things have changed. I’m admitting that I DO want to have kids some day. What brought this revelation about? Recently I met up with “someone” who I have feelings for. While we were out, there were some kids. I was just hit with this desire to have a family. So, there you have the reason for this drastic change. The knowledge that making a family with someone you love, that seems like the most amazing thing in the world.
Soooooooooo, there you have it. And now? Now that my mind has caught up with the biology? I’m going insane! I got together with one of my friends & we talked babies. One of the mommy bloggers I read just had a baby yesterday. One of my cousins just had a baby this week. The books I’ve been reading have to do with kids. And today I saw the above mentioned baby who brought out this biological response. (He. Is. So. Damn. Adorable!)
This realization is so intense that I can feel it, feel the desire coursing through me. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve finally admitted it or if it has more to do with that “someone”, but it’s true all the same.
Seriously, this has gotten so out of hand that I’m even coming around to the idea of PHYSICALLY HAVING A BABY. Something that has never, ever appealed to me. I have a huge aversion to pain & the more I hear/read about pregnancy & childbirth & afterward? NO THANK YOU! Yet, for some reason … it’s becoming appealing. Please, someone commit me for my own good! I still want to adopt, so now I’m all “Oh, I can adopt AND give birth!” I don’t know who this person is. However, I do know that now whenever I’m told that I’m going to be a good mother I won’t have to shock people by telling them I don’t want kids.
In the back of my head I figured that I would change my mind. I just didn’t expect it to happen this soon. Not at all.
My question is, when did you know that you want/wanted to be a mom or dad? Did you go through a similar limbo between options, or did you know all along?
