Some things you don't forget

So, I still haven't written a post on my trip to NYC. I need to get on that. It's one of those things I keep telling myself I need to do, but never get around to actually doing. Just like I've been telling myself for about two weeks that I needed to e-mail one of my former profs, who I'm friends with, since we never got together like we were planning. I told myself this so many times that I had a few dreams in which she was featured. My subconscious was even getting on me to e-mail her! Granted, she e-mailed me this morning ... so problem solved. I don't think that's possible with a blog post though. Too bad!

For now, I have something much more random to ramble about. Since I was thinking about writing a post, I got to thinking about when I used to journal. Despite the amount of time I spend on my laptop, I'm a paper & pen kind of gal. I LOVE office supplies. My favorite type of pen is a Pilot EasyTouch fine point. I usually have black ink, but also love blue ink. I'm a huge fan of yellow legal pads. Honestly, I have an obscene amount of pens, pads of paper, etc. When I was younger, I always had a surplus of journals. Family members would get them for me, I would pick up one that I liked in a store.

I went in & out of phases with journaling. Sometimes I would write every day, sometimes there would be long stretches where I didn't bother. For a while, there was a constant though. I would name my journal. I progressed from writing "Dear Diary" or "Dear Journal" to "Dear Grace" "Dear Kendra". (I did use those two names. Not sure where Grace came from, but Kendra was after my 7th grade English teacher who gave me that particular journal as a Christmas present.) Back then, the words seemed to flow better when it was more like I was writing a letter to someone instead of just writing for myself.

I still have some of my old journals, although I did toss some of them. Really, who wants to look back at those middle school journals that are ALL about the boys you had crushes on? Sometimes I can't believe how boy crazy I was! (And then I remember that I still am sometimes.)

The few memories captured in those discarded journals that I would want to look back on, those are still etched in my mind. Like the first time I danced with a boy -- a boy I had a huge crush on that entire year. We danced to I Can Love You Like That ... the Boyz II Men version, of course, not the lovely John Michael Montgomery version I heard on the radio a few weeks ago. Ryan's hands were around my waist and he sang along to the song. Twelve years later, I can still picture it clearly.

That's actually an elementary school story, not middle school, but you catch my drift.

On a completely different note (I think), I want to pimp out my alter ego: @JoyfulHeart87 on Twitter. I started a second Twitter account because I had a dream that my family decided to get on Twitter & knew I was on there, so I had to hurry up & create a new account & Tweet a ton so it didn't look suspicious. Since I'm massively paranoid about things, I was like ... it wouldn't hurt to have a second account. So now I have my regular Twitter account & this new one, which I'm using mostly to Tweet about activist/advocate related things. Just FYI. :)

The Job Search Rant

I'm giving fair warning now that this is going to be a complaint-ridden post. Take caution: frustration ahead.

I've been trying not to complain, really. I've tried to keep myself from sending tons of Tweets in frustration, tried not to change my Facebook status a bunch of times -- all reflecting frustration. Basically, I've been keeping everything in & I know that's not good.

It drives me crazy when people Tweet/Facebook/etc. & it's all negative. That's what I've been avoiding. However, I need to vent a bit.

I graduated at the end of May. It's now the beginning of August & I still don't have a job. I know I'm not the only one in this position & I know I'm not the only one who's frustrated. I know that my friends who do have jobs struggled before they got them. I know that I most likely won't be the last person in my class to finally get a job.

But right now? I'm frustrated. So frustrated that I've been upset all weekend. So frustrated that I cried most of Friday & have cried for a good part of today.

You might remember that I already had a huge bout of frustration over my job search. I was so frustrated I felt like giving up, but knew I couldn't. And I didn't, & then I got two job interviews. I went on those interviews & I felt really good about them.

Yet I'm still unemployed. The second job interview, the one at the law firm, went really well & I got excited. I could see myself working there & I felt good about it. I got back from NYC on Thursday, so I gave them a call on Friday to check in. It had been a week & the partner had said it would be a week or two.

I found out that they had already filled the position. I hung up the phone & immediately burst into tears. I wanted that job, I was suited for that job, I needed that job.

It's August & I've only had two interviews. I've had countless rejections.

I know that so many people go through this, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, it doesn't do any good. I'm frustrated & I want to give up ... even though I won't.

I can't put into words how much I appreciate the words of encouragement that I get from my family & friends. I'm sorry if any of you have ever given me encouragement & I've shot it down. Chances are you caught me at a bad moment, one where I was thinking more about how I've heard it all before & couldn't genuinely appreciate your kind thoughts. So I hope that I haven't offended anyone & if I have, I apologize.

It's hard to always have on that smile, when I get bogged down by this frustration so much sometimes that it's all I feel.

I also can't say how much it helps to read fun & silly Tweets, etc. when I'm in this sort of mood. It's helped so much this weekend.

So if you want to encourage me, leave me a comment telling me the funniest thing that you heard/that happened to you this week!

This isn't my first time ...

I'm notoriously bad at blogging. During middle & high school I had various short-lived affairs with online journals. Things would start off hot & heavy, but then they'd fizzle out. Last year when I spent a semester in London, I kept a blog to update my family and friends. Easier said than done! C'mon, I was gallivanting around a new country, more than enough of an excuse.

However, I love writing. I'm hoping that plus my new found free time (they don't tell you a job isn't guaranteed once you have that college degree) will make things different this time around. I have a bit more motivation now that I'm regularly reading other blogs. I'm not ashamed to say that I love mommy blogs, even though I get weird looks from some of my friends when I say so. They're endearing, hilarious, and well-written.

Also, I'm addicted to Twitter*. It's fun, but I can get wordy and those 140 characters just aren't enough sometimes!

I guess I should include a little info on myself, other than my terrible blogging past ...

My name is Kimmy. I'm 21 (22 on the 26th) & I just graduated from college. I majored in sociology, minored in international relations. I'm currently unemployed & looking for a job, preferably in the human rights or social services field. I've been volunteering with Amnesty International for 7 or so years & I'm a rape crisis counselor. I have an intense relationship with TV, especially Bones & SVU. I'm a book worm & have the baby pictures to prove that I always have been.

I don't know where this blog is going to go, but I'm interested to see and maybe you are too.

*You can find me on Twitter @Kimmy6313